Good morning dear. I just finished praying for you and I’ll like to share some 8 things.
It’s extremely lengthy. Pls read to the end
I don’t want you to put God out of the scene. You told me you are sure He loves you and you have seen Him show it severally. Make sure not to put Him out of your friendships. If He is committed to you, He is committed to bringing the right people to your life as well. And yes He truly is. So allow Him reveal Himself through this.
You know many times we say we’re asking God for something even when we’re still trying to fix it. But when you truly allow God, give Him room, and it give over to Him, even you, you will know.
Please do, and embrace that peace. If it’s in His hands (the trying to find someone), you can trust He’ll make it beautiful.
Now, talking about peace… Like I said yesterday, it won’t happen all of a sudden. I didn’t tell you the second part of my story that I later on found someone that I know is committed to me and gives me the energy I expect. But it took some time. At a point, it felt like it had no future because of the high expectation I had from the onset, but I just allowed it flow and it grew with time.
I understood from that, that most people are also careful to trust and commit. They’ve also felt used and unappreciated that they want someone to go overboard over and over again before they commit. I’m not saying you should be the one going over and over. Instead, I’m saying give it time and don’t put anybody in the “sacred” position quickly.
Give them time to think through to be sure they are safe with you even as you think through to be sure you are safe with them.
Just to add to the time issue, I want you to also understand that this lack of deeply committed friendships is a general issue. It is not peculiar to you. I promise. And it doesn’t reveal anything about what you deserve or what you are worth. You know you are worthy of love and you are lovable and it’s true.
If you get to ask people around you how many deep connections they have and how many people make them feel they mean something, you’ll be surprised at how many lack it as well.
And I’m not talking about girls who have guys baiting them for sex. That’s not what you want.
So you’re not weird or a bad person.
Since we know building this connection will take some time, you’ll need to learn to maximize what you have at the moment— God, yourself but also family and people around. Yes, they may not be sooo close, but they can help in some way. Random gists, sharing nonsensitive stories and all. That’s even the step you can take towards cultivating those that can become deep.
You will need to encourage yourself over and over for now and don’t overthink issues. Overthinking makes the void wider. Gratitude is a great killer of overthinking. Also, being super engaged in activities or being busy also kills overthinking.
Take a break on overgiving. No matter how much of a large heart you have, if you keep giving and don’t get in return, you will grow weary. Anything you know you cannot give to someone for free (I’m talking about attention and commitment), don’t give it for now. Conserve energy.
That is, once you begin to feel that “at this level, if don’t get enough attention in return I will be pained” begin to check it and draw back a little.
And don’t deceive yourself into believing that if you give so so much, then they will begin to reciprocate. It’s not true. If you give too much, they will get used to it and take you as a “she’s so nice” person.
Of course, keep giving the things you can give for free and whoever will be committed to you, will begin to reciprocate from that level. That’s how you’ll know the one.
If it’s just friendship you want, I advise you prioritize same sex friendships over opposite sex. There’s a level of closeness you’ll get with a guy that emotions will begin to set in and you will begin to expect some attention that should be for a love relationship.
Now even if you don’t get to that point, there’s a level of attention a guy will give you and will begin to expect relationship-like commitment. So male- female friendships are usually technical.
If a male is that your “closest” friend, you’ll be on a safer side if it’s a love relationship and both of you are mutually committed.
Talking about love relationships, I want you to understand that as a woman you are not wired to chase and men aren’t wired to be chased as well.
So any relationship where you find yourself trying to “encourage” the guy to chase you, kindly stop wasting your time. Don’t even enter into it.
Because you will get tired, carrying a burden you aren’t made for. Secondly the guy will come to commonize you and treat you with contempt. You will be “too available” for him.
I’m not saying you should start playing the worldly hard-to-get girls do, but just be aware that you are not a chaser. Be committed but don’t be the power house of the relationship. Constantly call yourself to order whenever you see the chasing shifting to you.
Seriously (let me say it one more time), NO GUY WILL EVER GET COMMITTED TO YOU BECAUSE YOU CHASED HIM HARD ENOUGH. YOU WILL BE COMMODITIZED INSTEAD.
Even Christian guys too. And it’s not being wicked. They aren’t just wired to be chased.
Lastly, I want to add that no SINGLE person can fill the void. After you find someone that will show you they are committed to you, you will still be disappointed if you expect them to satisfy all your emotional needs. If that person even tries to, they will be drained.
That’s why point 4 is important (read it again). Learn to get other emotional supports from other sources— especially God & yourself, then family & people around.
And I can tell you this because 95% of the conversations I have is people asking me for help in one way or the other. Whenever my phone rings or I see a WhatsApp message, I’m wondering “who needs what this time”. So I know what it feels like to feel used and unloved. But as I’ve built that one deep connection, I’ve also learned that she can’t give me all the emotional support I need.
I encourage myself a lot, pray when I need to, leverage other low commitment friendships, and rest when I need to.
Like that day we were to talk and I was sick, normally I would have struggled to do it. But I realise that those “extreme” sacrifices are what make me feel used. So I rest when I need to rest and this gives me the heart to also allow other people rest.
I know this is a lot, but try to read it slowly and severally. I hope it helps
Olusegun Iyejare is a career coach and certified counselor. He helps individuals discover and maximize their potential to live satisfying lives regardless of obvious limitations holding them back.
