Hiding (fear, guilt or shame) shouldn’t coexist with love.
Ideally, I should say wherever there is hiding there is no love but we have seen that things can go wrong and make them coexist.
The component of love that takes away hiding is the reassurance that you’re accepted regardless of what you do or don’t do.
So even if I truly love you and won’t leave you when you make mistakes but I don’t make it obvious enough, hiding will still exist.
Now here are four ways to strengthen the reassurance component of your love so your partner stops hiding.
1. Don’t beat them up (with words and actions) when they make mistakes
If you do, you are sending a signal that you expect them to be perfect or can only love them when they are perfect.
But since they know that they can’t be perfect, they will start to hide.
2. Don’t CONSTANTLY remind them of the things you expect of them but they aren’t doing
If you do, you make them feel like you are only keeping up with them and this can sponsor fear that you will one day get tired of them if they don’t change on time.
3. Don’t CONSTANTLY call their attention to someone who has a quality you want them to have
Doing so makes them feel they are not good enough. It can even make them hate that person.
PS: Notice that I said “constantly” in 2 &3.
So this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell them what you expect of them but if it’s too often, you are telling them YOU MUST CHANGE NOW!
And nobody can change immediately so they will begin to feel inadequate/unaccepted and start hiding.
4. Constantly remind them that you appreciate who they are and what they are becoming.
Be lavish with this. It can’t be too much.
What if you don’t appreciate some things about them?
Still praise them lavishly.
People will be more open to “change for you” when they are sure you accept them for who they are.
They will no longer see you as a threat but as a friend and we are generally open to the influence of friends.
If you master No. 4 very well, you will not need to worry so much about 1-3.
If your partner is someone who is secured in their self-worth, you will have fewer issues in these areas because they won’t feel unaccepted by your actions.
If they aren’t, you can help them develop that security with these steps.
Either ways, you won’t go wrong by prioritizing reassurance.
Olusegun Iyejare is a career coach and certified counselor. He helps individuals discover and maximize their potential to live satisfying lives regardless of obvious limitations holding them back.
