You might wonder, “what does it feel like to date someone with an anxious attachment style?” Especially if you’re someone with a secure attachment style.
Or you have an avoidant attachment style and you do not understand the mechanisms of getting along with someone with an avoidant attachment style.
How do they all come together? How do the dynamics work and not work? That’s exactly what I’m talking about today. We’ll be looking at how you can relate with the three different attachment styles depending on what attachment style you have.
Before we progress, you should understand that because we are unique individuals with unique experiences that affect how we relate, there are going to be some differences but typically, our relationships with other attachment styles follow similar patterns depending on our attachment style.
These patterns play out in friendships, dating, marriage, and even non-romantic relationships.
Dating Someone With An Anxious Attachment Style
Let’s start off with the pros.
Dating one with an anxious attachment style comes with so many benefits. They tend to be affectionate and open to discussing feelings, they are loving and love to spend time together. You can be confident that they will always be there for you (even if to their detriment).
As a secure person…
As your relationship with an anxious person progresses, you will notice that they begin to loosen up, have high expectations, and negative assumptions, and continue to panic and worry about their relationship with you.
And they will show this even if they try not to. They also go on to suppress their needs and hide their feelings.
This might be a little bit off for you since you are someone who is all for expressing your needs and having open communication. You will always find it strange that they are constantly testing or hinting and not being straightforward.
Also because you are used to having boundaries and other priorities aside from your relationship, you will have to deal with their likely clingy, controlling, and attention-seeking behavior.
However, your consistency, showing up, communication, and constantly being there can support the anxious person and help them settle their anxiety.
As an anxious person…
Dating an anxious person could be quite intoxicating. Here, both of you are seeking reassurance and want the other person to show up for you but you are also suppressing your needs, leaving things unsaid, and having negative assumptions.
If extra intention is not put into it by one or both parties, the relationship could become toxic.
This doesn’t mean, however, that it can’t work. Two anxious people can date each other and have a successful relationship especially if they are aware and notice when such cycles are coming up and stand up to them.
As an avoidant person…
Dating someone who is anxious as an avoidant person, you will get a little bit overwhelmed by their need for closeness and you might begin to pull away.
You will be uncomfortable when, for instance, they keep asking when next you are meeting and that you spend more time together.
Also dating an anxious person as someone with an avoidant attachment style confirms what you have always believed about relationships— that they are too demanding and want to come into your space, and take over your life.
This does not mean the relationship cannot work but those are the dynamics you have to deal with.
Dating Someone With An Avoidant Attachment Style
Again, starting with the pros.
Avoidant people can really promote self-reliance and create space in the relationship which is really healthy, giving you all room to be yourself and pursue your own interests.
As a secure person…
Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, you will enjoy the healthy space they give you in the relationship but if it begins to get too much, you may no longer value the relationship because you understand that healthy relationships require bonding and intimate connection which can only be built by consistent communication.
You might grow tired of the too much space and express your needs even at the expense of the relationship.
As an anxious person…
Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style can feel intoxicating. Here you are, thinking that you have finally gotten the person you have always wanted, but they keep on staying away.
This can lead you to do things that are very desperate (and that you could even regret later) just to get more of them.
Dating an avoidant person confirms to you what you have always believed: that people leave you, and relationships are painful. It also confirms the negative beliefs you have about yourself that you aren’t good enough and you don’t deserve much.
But these aren’t true.
As an avoidant person…
Dating an avoidant person, the relationship tends to be less stimulating for both of you. It might even not really take off because you need that one person that keeps stepping in.
Unless you both know that it is going to go well and you won’t get rejected or you will be showered with their attention, you won’t lean in. This can be a real challenge and it is less likely to work.
Dating Someone With A Secure Attachment Style
People with secure attachments are open to having their needs met as well as meeting the needs of their partners. They have the balance, they are willing to commit to the relationship but are also not afraid to walk away if they aren’t having their needs met.
As a secure person…
Dating a secure person, you are going to do quite well. There will be less drama, less games, and more open communication. You both plan dates and can decline meetings without fear of the other person not understanding.
You trust each other and believe, “it will be great to know you, but I don’t need you. You’re not the only person in the world.”
You have equal boundaries, respect for each other, and care for each other’s well-being.
As an anxious person…
Dating a secure person as someone with an anxious attachment can feel quite safe and assuring. You enjoy kindness and respect and having someone care for your needs.
But you can also get quite bored thinking it is too easy. This doesn’t mean there’ll be no anxiety or they will be 100% consistent and always show up for you.
On the contrary, you might sometimes doubt if they care because they also prioritize their well-being and might, for instance, cancel a date to take care of themself.
As an avoidant person…
Dating someone with a secure attachment style, you will enjoy space because they value that as well. This gives you a sense of safety around them that might trigger you to want to lean back in.
However, you might still find their consistency and open communication in asking for more time quite overwhelming. You might also see the personal questions which they are sure to ask you as being investigative.
Wrapping Things Up
In any of these relationships and whatever the dynamics, you can move towards having a healthy and more secure relationship when you become aware and work on breaking the cycle.
It will be more effective if you have a coach alongside helping you navigate through your healing and not use your partner as a therapist.
Olusegun Iyejare is a career coach and certified counselor. He helps individuals discover and maximize their potential to live satisfying lives regardless of obvious limitations holding them back.
